I never felt that I belonged anywhere , I was so used to struggle from a very young age so I didnt know what it should feel like to be happy or free from worries.
I wasnt one to conform into a mold either so maybe that was a big part of my challenge , cause I had a rebel heart and I questioned the general rules of society from early on.
It was not that I didnt listen to authorities or didnt respect my teachers in school or other authoritiy figures , I just felt so misplaced in the system from the start and being bullied didnt make it any easier to understand how I was supposed to show up in the world.
I would probably have been described as a very Sweet , gentle and well behaved girl when I grew up and in the years up until my late teenage years.
Still as a teenager and young adult I really did my best to follow and respect rules given to me but because of me feeling so alone and unwelcomed wherever I went I started to get angry inside and feelings of nothing ever working out for me anyway gave me a reason to just not give a f.
The light inside me and the good inside started to wither away like a flower loosing it petals one by one because no water nourished it. I felt my optimism leave day by day and my outlook on life got distorted.
I got used to expecting the worst and my heart hardened as I build walls up around it because I didnt want to feel pain so better to not feel anything.
Many years of despair and hurt followed me like a dark shadow that never seemed to leave my side. I didnt know if I was born to be unlucky or if my situation would ever change. I just tried to wing it basically and I couldn’t plan my life because it was so chaotic.
When it came down to decide what I would become or what to educate myself on I just felt utterly confused because school didnt bring me to a level of clarity but mostly hurt and negativity.
I always liked to experiment with makeup and clothes so I made a quick descision on taking a chance on makeup class because one : I would be educated in 6 months aka not having to force myself through a lot of time of dreadful theory and studies, and two : it was the one thing that I believed could keep my concentration long enough on a subject that interested me so I could start a career and make money.
I just wanted so badly to be independent and find an outlet for my creative side and I could picture myself having fun at work and that way bare to be a part of the system without loosing my identity and just become a robot on the payroll list.
And so I did make it through and became a makeup artist. But it would still take me some years from getting my diploma til I was actually working as one.
Those years in between came with a lot of doubts and more confusion , a lot of stupid desciscions that didnt bring me any closer to my desired destination but rather away from it or so I thought at least.
Now I see that it all happened the way it was supposed to. Nothing I did or didnt do back then would have led me to a different outcome. I know many would disagree in this and say that all our desciscions leads us down different roads and everything is up to us.
But I believe a path is already made. I believe we all have our fate and so it doesn’t really matter which road you choose. You will end up at your designated destination anyway.
I realized that it dont matter if I am a makeup artist , a lawyer , a caretaker or flip burgers at Mc Donalds (I’ve done that actually) but who YOU are is the biggest «role»of your life , not what you work with , that is not your identity and that is not your truest self.
YOU have to be proud of who you are, no one else can do that for you. It is your dharma (lifepath) it is your experience and this life belongs to you and you only. Yes it is Nice to get recognition , but wether you are an eminent doctor or a janitor you matter in this world. You are worthy and you belong no matter what title you have.
I Wish we could stop to identify us by any labels , I want people to believe that they matter , that their life is precious and that you being here is a gift. You didnt come here to just get a diploma to frame in your office even though that is a part of life , it shouldnt be all that you accomplish?
Your job should at least make you feel inspired as this is where you will spend the majority of your life. I know that I will never conform to a job that doesn’t suit me or my passions. I will not trade my love for life with love for money and I prefer to live on less than to live miserable and not content with a full bank account.
I want a full and meaningful life. It is good to question everything it is necessary to ask the BIG questions. Why are we really here? When did we stop to ask what this all means? Dont settle for a job your not happy in , you can change your situation and it is never to late. Do you have a rebel heart?