Looking at a meme I shared long ago I do see a certain irony in it as I don’t party like I used too and it is kinda funny to me still. I mean the meme in itself is simple but I found it hilarious as I knew that I could party prettyyy hard.
The irony is that if I ask myself that question : “when people talk about partying with me but did you die” well yes , actually I did almost die. 😅💀
I shouldn’t be joking with such one might say but I beg to differ, and I say that because my self irony and black sense of humor has saved me just as well. And without it, well I just wouldn’t be me. At the time it was in all honesty super serious of course. But seeing it in retrospect I can and will use humor around things I have overcome, and sometimes humor is a part of how to overcome something in the first place. I’m so thankful that I can look back at my old self and look at her with acceptance instead of cringing or shame. She was doing her best in that period of her life, she was just as worthy back then as now. Yes she did some mistakes, but she slayed a lot of demons to come to this moment and I got nothing but love for her.
We all need more self acceptance, we are often so hard on ourselves and it’s never chill. I’ve learned to be more gentle with myself in all ways that I wasn’t. After a lot of years of self destructive behavior and a lack of self love I’m slowly healing those parts of me , and I see that where I once “didn’t give a fuck” I know do because it is good to care. About anything but especially for yourself and this one precious life you’ve been given. I am also learning to be more patient with myself in areas were I have been to extreme. To have that kind of brain like I do makes everything very “all or nothing” and that affected my substance use too. I love how Laura Clery (comedian and a recovering addict) describes how that plays out: “the brain respond different to substance use, where as my friend cant have a peanut because she breaks out in a hive, I drink one glass of alcohol and end up in Tijuana with some Irish guy I met at a bar once”.
And if that doesn’t describes it I don’t know what does. Addiction is as she say a decease not a choice. Yes we choose to have that first drink but after the brain has been changed by addiction and because of that specific wiring ,experts say that the person looses control and just need more and more to get that same initial high. The decease is a combination of behavioral, psychological,environmental and biological factors. So I have found it very helpful to look at the science behind addictive behaviors to understand both myself and others better, and not just get caught up in the web of conflicting emotions and negative self talk that swims in the deep and complex waters of the psyche.