breaking the spell

Im done with you! I hate how you have infiltrated my life as an at times charming, funny and steady companion wherever I have gone. I hate how you made me believe that what we had was something special, something I needed and something that no one else understood. Like a secret bubble where only you and I existed and understood what was right and wrong, funny and nice, difficult and awkward. I hate that I have given you so much space, taken so much of my time and made me become someone other than who I really am. Because at times you made me forget all the hurt, and at times you made me feel free, funny, happy and beautiful. but it was just one big lie all together. I have revealed you now, how false and damn you really always were and always will be. You are cunning, manipulative and sneak under the skin of anyone who is so unlucky to have a relationship with you. But now it’s enough, I’ve seen who you are, what it always ends up with if I let you have a place in my life and how destructive you are to me. Finally the time has come where I take my power and my life back from your grip, I end it with you, and forever this time. No more breaks and start again, never again cry because I think I need you and miss you, no! I want to feel everything this time! I want to be happy, sad, feel funny, beautiful, ugly, depressed and hopeful, anything really just that it is real, without veiled eyes and failing memory. It’s over and I’m leaving you my «friend» alcohol. I do not need you and have never really needed you, I thought you were good, but you are toxic and empty, you are bottomless and dark, you are the end of all good and you have no hope in you. I leave you here in your darkness, where you continue your search for people who need false hopes and who think you are a friend in need. I leave you and your destructive paths and start on my very own path that no one can promise me will be easy to go, but one thing I know, it can not get worse than what it has been with you in tow. I look up and forward, I lift my gaze and glimpse a new day ahead, with the sun warming my face and with my heart slowly opening up to a world of possibilities, possibilities you tried to take away from me but not anylonger.

This is a text /thought flow I wrote after yet another unsuccessful attempt at ditching the booze. I knew that I wanted to give it up or unless I would give up.. it was way overdue and my relationship with alcohol felt like a never ending carousel of love/hate but in the end mostly hate. Like a relationship that you know you need to leave but once again he lures you back in with a shining smile and promises of fun and exciting times. Instead you end up with regrets, a headache and feel shameful and stupid for once again trusting him when history had in fact proved you otherwise. They say that it takes around 7 attempts before you finally leave a unhealthy relationship and I would say it is pretty similar to stop any kind of addiction to substances and boy do I know as I have tried both. The brain works in mysterious ways , or at least so it seems until we start to see the roots of our addictive behavior and the actual science behind it.

I believe that if you are like me which means that you have a brain that links up with addiction more easily and is wired for that then this is a behaviour and a trait that will leek onto everything in your life, from food habits , relationships , substances and so on. It’s tricky but hold on there is hope. First you got to figure out the deception and lies you cling onto and when you find the truth you can break the spell.

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